Friday, December 3, 2010

Coffee House Rules-as seen at The Vexatious Monkey

Coffee House Rules

Coffee House Rules
1. Not getting the job as a bartender at the cool bar you really like does NOT automatically qualify you as a "barista"
2. The fact that you insist on listening to really crappy music does NOT make you unique or cool, it merely means you listen to really crappy music. You aren't the first person to hear it and magically recognize the unrecognized uniqueness and beauty of it, everybody else heard it first and thought it was really crappy-you just didn't get the memo.
3."Room for cream" means just that-especially when YOU ask ME if I want "room for cream".
It does not mean "fill the cup so full that I can only add 1/1billionth of a freakin' mm of "organic" non-fat dirty-smelly hippie soy garbage before scalding hot water spills out and melts flesh from my bones..."
It means leave room for F@#%$*&^ cream in my cup!
4. Consuming vast quantities of dirty-smelly hippie soy garbage at your new job to compensate for the feelings of inadequacy you have because you didn't get the cool bar tending job is probably the reason why you have gained so much weight and developed acne.
5. Maybe you didn't get the other job because you were an idiot with crappy taste in music OR maybe it was just because the economy sucks and a whole bunch of people with massive amounts of experience applied first.
6. You can always listen to better music.
7. You can always read more and get smarter.
8. You can always see a shrink (PLEASE!)
If you are reading this it doesn't apply to you and I am usually nicer when I can caffeine-ate myself without getting 12th degree burns on my guitar hand.

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